


Maybe Not Rock Climbing

by kissingandcrying



Series: Senior Citizen Sassmaster [2]
Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-14
Updated: 2016-08-14
Packaged: 2018-08-08 18:36:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7768744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kissingandcrying/pseuds/kissingandcrying
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Hello. My name’s Eggsy - sorry, Gary - Unwin-Hart and I’m responsible for buying Harry a scooter, which has apparently kick started World War III or something…”</p><p>“You’re an enabler.” Merlin says curtly.</p><p>Eggsy scoots down in his chair, staring petulantly at his feet. It’s not fair that he’s been assigned Harry duty and that all of the man’s transgressions fall into his realm of responsibility. It’s especially unfair that Merlin keeps two eyes on Harry, knows how determined he is to do things that get him attention, and still Eggsy’s the one who gets a sit down over it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Maybe Not Rock Climbing

**Author's Note:**

  * For [leggsyunwin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/leggsyunwin/gifts).



“Hello. My name’s Eggsy - sorry, _Gary_ \- Unwin-Hart and I’m responsible for buying Harry a scooter, which has apparently kick started World War III or something…”

“You’re an enabler.” Merlin says curtly.

Eggsy scoots down in his chair, staring petulantly at his feet. It’s not fair that he’s been assigned Harry duty and that all of the man’s transgressions fall into his realm of responsibility. It’s especially unfair that Merlin keeps two eyes on Harry, knows how determined he is to do things that get him attention, and _still_ Eggsy’s the one who gets a sit down over it.

“Because you bought him a scooter,” Merlin reminds him. “Which he’s now riding through the hallways. It's a distraction.”

“I didn’t _know he was gonna bring it here.”_ Eggsy argues. “He was supposed to go rock climbing today! I checked with the receptionist and all. She said he’d confirmed.”

“Yes, well. Harry’s never been good at following a schedule.”

Eggsy thinks about the first time Harry’d bought him to Kingsman. They hadn’t even done _that_ in a timely manner, and it had seemed a fairly important thing to be on time for. Merlin should’ve known then that Eggsy wasn’t (and still isn’t) the schedule reinforcing type, but if he hadn’t figured it out during that initial meeting, he certainly knows it now.

“Look, I’ll go and talk to him. Again. Like, for the fifty millionth time.”

“Don’t. Just find him something else to do that he actually enjoys.”

“He said he liked rock climbing.”

“And then followed you into work on a moped.” Merlin said, tilting his head. “Sounds _real_ interested.”

So Eggsy promises to brainstorm some other potential activities for Harry to do. There has to be something that’ll keep the man from fucking around with their active agents.

“Please do.” Merlin begs. He’s clicking away aggravatedly on his computer, finger punching the top of the mouse. “But before that, go down to the cafeteria and fish him out of the freezer. He’s looking for Nitrous Oxide and he’s destroying the organized shelving.”

Harry should have absolutely no need for Nitrous Oxide. Eggsy imagines he’s trying to stockpile it as some sort of prank… or as a means to aggravate Merlin. Eggsy’d rather not go fishing for the stuff once Harry’s had a chance to hide it. So it’s with complete exasperation that he stands up and heads for the kitchen.

It only takes him a few minutes to get down there, but the kitchen is seemingly empty when he arrives. The freezer, too. Eggsy turns on his glasses and says, “Where the fuck is he, Merlin?”

That’s when someone winds an arm around Eggsy’s waist from behind and reaches over his shoulder to remove his glasses politely from his face. Eggsy would know Harry’s hold anywhere - and he’s more than familiar with the man removing their cameras when he wants to talk to him privately.

“Harry.” Eggsy says without preamble. “Fucking put it back, stop _taking_ stuff. You don’t need laughing gas.”

Harry kisses Eggsy’s neck and then lets him go, taking the boy’s glasses with him. “I do need it.”

“For rock climbing?” Eggsy asks tartly. He turns around and shoots Harry a dirty look because he’s upset that he’s gotten in trouble again for something he hasn’t done. “I get told off coz of you, Harry! Go fucking rock climbing!”

“I went to rock climbing.” Harry says. He pockets Eggsy’s glasses and then starts his way to the exit. “I merely adjusted my schedule so that I’d have time to stop by today,” and before Eggsy can argue that this isn’t appropriate either, Harry says, “I didn’t sneak in. Merlin was well aware of my plans.”

“He didn’t know you were coming in on a fucking moped, going down the halls passing out fucking biscuits like you’re Saint Nick. Perce and Rox are supposed to be fasting for a mission.”

“There is no mission that requires fasting before it starts.” Harry says confidently. “Merlin’s teaching a lesson in inquiry and fine prints.”

Eggsy wonders if that’s true or if Harry’s trying to get out of a stern talking to. Instead he accepts that he’ll likely never know and decides to shift the subject to something he’s equipped to deal with. "Well, just... don't take anything else, alright? Put the NO back and go home for a bit, otherwise Merlin'll have my arse."

"He shouldn't have your arse for the things I do. I'll have to talk to him about that." 

“ _No_ , don't talk to no one. Just head back.”

“Yes, of course. I will. I’ve got business at home to tend to so I was on my way.” Harry tells him.

“Okay.” Eggsy says. Then because he gets nervous if Harry’s leaving and he doesn’t say it, he calls, “Love you. Be good.”

There’s a saying that hindsight is 20/20, and Eggsy thinks that his unwillingness to ask about Harry’s ‘home plans’ is a mistake, but he lets the man go to his devices and heads back to Merlin’s office to claim success.

He's not expecting the man to just blink at him when he gets back. 

When it's too silent for too long, Eggsy throws his arms in the air and says, "Now what." 

“Where are your glasses?”

Eggsy sighs, rolls his eyes, and falls into the wall behind him. Simultaneously. He's so exhausted. So, so, exhausted that he can't keep up.

"Go get them. You're off for a mission in an hour."

Eggsy sighs and crawls his way out of the door. 

“And the Nitrous Oxide.” Merlin reminds him again, right before he closes the thing shut behind himself on the way out.

 

-

 

Eggsy’s told (mid-mission) that there’s something going on at his house.

Merlin doesn’t sound overly concerned, but he mentions the word ‘mob’ in passing and Eggsy promptly freaks the fuck out, because there shouldn’t _be_ a mob at his and Harry’s house.

“What do you mean _mob_?” Eggsy hisses anxiously. He tucks his gun away and slips between the thin crack in two of the walls, hiding himself so that he can get clarification on the situation. “Merlin!”

“Once you’re back to base, I’ll tell you what I know.” Merlin says. "Until then, get your job done." 

So Eggsy promptly fulfills his mission objective and then runs back to base, bursting into Merlin’s office and immediately demanding clarification.

Merlin opens his hand and says, “The chip.”

Eggsy goes and presses the chip very delicately into Merlin’s palm and then smiles tightly at him. “Better, love?”

“Yes. I suppose you want me to tell you what happened.”

Eggsy makes a frustrated noise and gestures wildly, “Yes,  _Merlin._ ”

“Last week, Harry put up advertising for a fit, old fifty-something in need of a bit of a ‘company’. Yes, the biblical kind. This has caused riotous behavior in the neighbours who believe him to be talking about himself, all either widowed fifty-somethings, single fifty-somethings, or married fifty-somethings who have managed to convince their husbands that at fifty-something, they need a bit of adventure and Harry Unwin-Hart fits that bill." 

“Oh my god…” Eggsy says. “Did he really put up fucking adverts?”

“Aye. Seems he’s bitten off more than he can chew with this one because he’s damn near attracted half of the country to your house. Not to worry - he’s still steadfastly avoiding his responsibilities, as he’s gone and locked himself up in his office with _your_ netflix account and a bottle of cheap wine.”

Eggsy scoffs and then goes silent. He blinks at Merlin who blinks back and adjusts his glasses.

So this is 100% the case. It’s not a lie.

“Right. Okay.” Eggsy says before he turns around and goes to catch a cab back to his and Harry's house.

The entire situation would be almost comical if it weren’t for the legitimate overflow of people pressing themselves in and around the house to get Harry’s attention. Eggsy can hardly get to his front door for trying. He presses himself past his neighbours and their friends, all of who start asking him questions about if their marriage is okay, if Eggsy knew anything about this, and if they’ve always been into polyamory.

He’s barely in the door when he screams, “ _HARRY! I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU!"_

JB comes skittering around the corner happily and Eggsy scoops him up to keep him out of the way. There’s a moment when Eggsy just coddles his baby, and then Purrlin comes around the corner and stretches before slinking her way around Eggsy’s legs. He picks her up and then showers them both with kisses. For all that the rest of the house comes to him when he calls, Harry is nowhere to be found.

So Eggsy goes up the stairs with an animal under either arm, and peeks his head into Harry’s study only to find it empty. He huffs and says, “Fucking unbelievable,” before stomping his way to their bedroom to deposit JB and Purrlin somewhere.

“Is something the matter?”

Eggsy nearly jumps out of his skin. The room is so dark that he hadn’t noticed Harry laying on the bed. He stumbles back into the wall and fumbles for the light switch.

“Harry.” Eggsy says, but his voice is wobbling because he’s got adrenaline going through him, and Purrlin and JB don't look too happy about his response to the noise. “Half of fuckin’ London’s outside our house right now. Why’s that?”

“They’re looking for Merlin.”  

“Oh my  _god_. Why?”

Harry pats the spot next to him on the bed. Eggsy shakes his head ‘no’ as if he’s not going to comply, but then just sighs and drags his feet to the edge of the mattress. He kicks off his shoes and climbs into bed beside Harry, rolling over onto him and saying, “Alright, go on. Explain.”

“I’m sure Merlin failed to tell you that the advertisement wasn’t for me. But you certainly would have assumed that anyway, considering I’m still married to the most gorgeous creature on earth and don’t intend to ruin that with my joking. The situation outside was a mistake… brought about, no doubt, by Mrs. Delauney who received a mysterious phone call from a "Roger Malcolm" mentioning that the Ad was about me. It was her who spread word around town that I was the one interested.”

“Uhm. Who the fuck is Roger?"

"Merlin." Harry says simply. 

Eggsy sits up so fast he makes himself dizzy. "Merlin? As in my boss, the one who's telling me to get you to stop Merlin? That Merlin?" 

“That would be the one.” Harry says. "I warned you not to be fooled by his exasperation. He is secretly tempted by these opportunities to outwit me. In this case, we have a yard full of people who think that we're suddenly interested in a three-way. Tomorrow, he'll have a living room full of melted ice-cream." 

"Huh." Eggsy huffs. He never wants to hear the word 'enabler' come out of Merlin's mouth again, not when the man is currently engaged in a prank war against the very same retiree he's trying to get Eggsy to settle down. It's as if he's surrounded by a bunch of old, sinister, active bodies who are just eerily competent at what they do, and quiet about it, too. This is probably something Eggsy shouldn't stick his hands in.

Tomorrow ought to be interesting. 

**Author's Note:**

> Just a little bit more of this prompt that I grabbed from leggsyunwin. Because it's very fun for me to write sinister Harry and Merlin, and slowly exasperated Eggsy. I love everyone's little comments about what he'd end up doing if he were really being a little shit. Very, very cute! Alright - I'm over at litindecency.tumblr.com (I feel like I have to say that because my tumblr name and A03 name are so different, and I've just found out there's a kissingandcrying on tumblr, so please don't send them dirty harry/eggsy related messages lol. Thank you for reading! Can't wait for the Secret Santa submission to be open so that I can read through them. Ooooh ~


End file.
